By Hazel Doolan
Post show blues, I’ve been aware of it since my youth theatre days but never really understood what it was. All I knew was that sinking feeling of sadness, fidgetiness and worry the day after closing night. Will our next show be as good? Will I get as good a role next year? Am I ever going to see my friends again? Would it be worth my time going back next year? Oh how little I had to worry about back then.
It was only when I stepped into the professional world that I grasped a real understanding of post show blues. After my first leading role in ‘The Way It Is’ (which didn’t get the best turn out), it hit me really hard. We ran for just one night and I put everything I had into that performance so it was a rapid high to low. The next day I went into work daydreaming of the show, wishing I was still in the theatre and not in the shop as my colleague snapped me out of it to attend to customers. This happened again after our most recent production of ‘Jungle Door.’ We went through such a roller coaster of a journey between intense week rehearsals, changes, line runs, script analysis, movement workshops, hilarious encounters and an all round great show. After our intense week of rehearsals I was back in work for only two days but I even found that hard. I was looking at the clock on the wall and thinking ‘*sigh* We’d be doing script work/warm ups right now…’ Two days later we were on the road to Naas which went by as quickly as it came around.
Given the amount of work that went into the production and the positive vibes from the team, this was the hardest production to walk away from. Those two weeks felt like I was living the life of my true authentic self, working with people who shared similar values and pursuing what I truly love. If you asked if I’d rather be grinding through paperwork or hot seating three times a week, I’d choose the latter any day. That is the hard truth as I would have said before being a working artist. You’re scrapping to pursue a life in two conflicting universes. Many weeks have gone by when I would breeze through it all like Samantha Jones, but then other weeks I’d be in a tissy like the White Rabbit. From talking to other artists I know that this is a common reality for many, which is a comfort all the same but doesn’t make it right.
Going back to post Jungle Door, I just did what one would do after a major event. Be grateful that it happened and be proud of what we achieved. Now we do have Uniform coming up and it is advised to not jump into another show if you’re also working full time, but we had this booked since Christmas so that doesn’t count! Besides, we already have Jungle Door scheduled for June in Galway (Town Hall Studio 10th-13th of June!!!). While that it came as much excitement and relief that the experience won’t be quite over yet, a sense of anxiety and fear emerged… What if it won’t be as good? What if something bad happens? What if I get fat(ter)? What if-… This wasn’t good either. I realized that yes it’s nice to look back (now ironically Don’t Look Back in Anger is now playing on my laptop) on the experiences, the friendships, the wins, and the losses but it can’t define the next run. I even thought of ways to recreate the experience and rent an entire apartment in Galway, this was not smart and my pocket wouldn’t thank me for it. Instead, I choose to be present in everything I do while looking forward with hope and joy. As with artistic purpose and life it is meant to be experienced to the fullest.